Pressure Valve

I, admittedly, experience frustration over my mother’s 100% denial of her diagnosis of dementia. She doesn’t remember she holds in her possession reports/opinions from three physicians, all of whom speak, at one level of another, about her dysfunction, about her ‘moderate dementia.’ Upon receiving each one, she raved about what assholes they were, about what a travesty it was for someone to hold an MD when they couldn’t write for shit (“Mom, it’s not their job to write to your standards, it’s their job to take care of and diagnose their patients.”), and then the reports were put down, something else laid upon them, and they ceased to exist. Ceased to exist to the point that she says, ‘there is no medical evidence’ to support such a diagnosis. She is walking, talking, breathing, writing, thinking, loving evidence of a dementia diagnosis. Everyone sees it except her.

So, dear reader, you are wondering, ‘Why’ am I going here? Well, this place, this space, is my pressure relief valve. It helps me vent, chronicle, learn about what’s going on with my mom as I write, as well as what’s going on with me. I realized today how snarky I always sound in my writing, where it comes from and that it’s not kind. I know my mom’s denial is born partially out of fear and I have empathy for that. Lots and lots of empathy. I also know allowing her to fail (not reminding her of an impending appt with the second neurologist) will not startle her into better functioning or help her realize she has a big problem. She will say she was distracted by the licensing thing. There will always be an excuse for forgetting. I am the one who gets to choose how much more time to devote (already a solid 50% of my time behind the scenes) to managing my mom’s daily affairs short of moving to the Island. If a forgotten appointment is the cost of my sanity from time to time, it’s probably worth it. I have to let go of my agenda and be willing to deal with the aftermath, because, sure as shit, it’ll be my fault that she forgot the appointment. There I go being snarky again ;->. 

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