Taking Stock

Last night I took stock, out loud, of everything that’s going on, hoping to find the reason(s) for my general punky mood:

• Cindy is dying. We new it around the corner, but Tim and I are having deep conversations about being guilt-free as he administers medications for her comfort that will surely hasten her passing. This is what it is to be there for her, and it’s brave and it’s hard. Tim wrote, “…I have finally found the med combinations that have put Cindy deep into a hopefully restful sleep…and that means she won’t be very present going forward toward the abyss.  True, she has already lost so much of what made Cindy , Cindy . I have felt so many knots slipping through my fingers as her life line plays out through my grasp.“
• Putting together the lease for the Island house is proving to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster, for reasons that don’t need a lot of examination. It’s a done deal. This couple doesn’t respond instantly (that’s OK), and really, I just want to get this done. We’ll sign the lease week after next. This leads to..
• Mom. Leasing out the Island house is SO symbolic of her inability to return home. And it pings my emotional side. My intellectual side is fine, snarky even.
• I coordinate a farmer’s market for my county’s master gardener program. We just opened sign-ups for 2019’s volunteer slots for the ‘clinics’ we run throughout the county. This means people email me sign-up requests, I usually am able to give them what they want, update a website, and go on with my day. There are a strict set of rules (of course) for this process. And there are always a few people who can’t/won’t come out the gate following the rules. So, rather than a simple exchange with the rule breakers, I have to deal with them over and over. I do not do stoooopid or obstinate well. Thank gawd there is a computer in between us, or I’d be stripped of this position. Hmmmmm. Really this is like a mosquito in my ear, but it’s part of the puzzle.
• My truck was rifled though last week, right here, down our long driveway, which is at the end of a cul de sac. At first I thought I’d left it unlocked, but since, the driver’s door lock has unlocked itself when I locked it via the interior button. I took video of this weird behavior. It’s not like we park our cars on the street. Who ever did this was actively prowling on our property. The responding officer made suggestions re exterior security. We are religious about using our alarm system. When the officer found out I was headed, right then, up to the Island, he told us he was heading up the following weekend to hunt.
• I suggested he could hunt on mom’s deer-infected land. I sent him the address, a google earth image, and description of the topography of the land. Next I emailed the immediate neighbors  giving them a heads up. The push-back I got from two of the neighbors was a complete surprise. The thing that surprised me the most was people’s sense of security. This is a community where, at the very least, everyone who runs livestock on their land carries a gun. All summer and fall someone was shooting a 9mm in the area, but no one talked about how insecure they felt. Hunting happens in the Islands. I have hunted on my parent’s land. The thing that really got to me, was one neighbor putting words in my late father’s and demented mother’s mouth. Essentially saying my parents were adamantly against deer hunting and guns on their property. I had to set her straight. They owned four firearms, and while not hunters, growled and bitched about the deer ravaging the gardens. I ended up letting the officer know the neighbors weren’t taking the idea well, and he understood. It was the one thing I had immediate control over last night. One thing I could take off my plate.

This morning I have a better grip. Knowing what’s getting you down is 9/10th of the battle sometimes.